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Sorry, Christmas. November 8th, not you, is now the most trauma-laden holiday of the year.
Today marks the anniversary of Donald Trump's election, aka the day we all came to fear our push notifications. At least 65 million voters remember November 8th as the day our lives officially became crappy. We were forced to knit heinous pussy hats, call Paul Ryan on the phone, and take public transportation to distant cities so our government wouldn't throw 23 million citizens off a cliff.
Trump has already taken up so much space in our psyche. He doesn't have to. There's a way you can commemorate the election anniversary without reliving all of its actual trauma.
SEE ALSO:Artist turns Trump into a comic book villain and it works too damn wellHere's how to do it.
1. Delete Twitter and Facebook from your phone.
Don't worry. The world will not fall apart if you go 24 hours without faving a Ted Lieu tweet or retweeting a Washington Postanalysis about our upcoming nuclear holocaust. Today is the day you get to browse Pinterest seasonal candles without shame.
2. Do not retell your election night story. Do not let others retell their election night story.
Via GiphyYou know how it goes. Someone initiates a conversation about where they were on election night and how much confetti they had, then 20 minutes later everyone's dead silent because they've landed in *yet another* conversation about fascism and how much Jeff Flake blows.
3. Come home immediately after work and watch HGTV on Hulu. Nothing else.
Via GiphyI don't know why you were watching American Bore-or Story in the first place, but that stops now. Love it or leave your bad attitude at the door.
4. Eat garlic bread until you hurl
Dieting doesn't make you feel good. Trans fats do. Crappy food is psychologically nutritious, so celebrate the fact that *nothing matters* by eating like your life doesn't either. Whee!
5. Don't talk about Trump, even if he threatens nuclear war
You already spend so much of your life analyzing a man whose brain is made of Tostitos Salsa con Queso. Take a holiday from Donald Trump and think about Kristen Stewart and her lovely, responsible girlfriend for a change.
kristen stewart taking photos of her girlfriend stella maxwell out of a car window pic.twitter.com/KlXBnSEHqi
— kristen doing things (@kstewthings) October 11, 2017
6. Call in sick to work if your coworker is obsessed with sending you Pete Souza "shade," sassy Lin Manuel Miranda MSNBC appearances, or JK Rowling tweets.
We get it. Miranda has a heart and the former White House photographer has a sassy side. Save it for another day when you're willing to talk about politics. Today is your once-a-year opportunity to be dumb.
7. Buy yourself an an anniversary gift and make sure it's woefully selfish.
Via GiphyYou've protested, you've organized, you've donated -- and you should, every day. On November 8th, give yourself a brief 24-hour holiday to be a capitalist p.o.s. and embrace your inner Pier One Imports. That overpriced natural fiber bath mat is yours.
8. Delete all podcasts from your phone and listen exclusively to music featured on The Ellen Show
Almost nothing of substance is every discussed on Ellen, and I'm not even mad. You too can be an upbeat middle-aged mom on the go. Just pop on some dissociative show tunes and relax.
9. Turn off all your push notifications.
Do you really need to know that Trump just killed a baby pig and initiated a civil war in Luxembourg with an ill-timed tweet? No you do not. The only news you need to hear today is that he is gone. Delete it all.
10. Stop arguing about Bernie versus Hillary for 24 hours
Please. It hurts. You can hate tweet at me tomorrow, I promise!
11. Spend the day with friends who are too traumatized or too braindead to talk about politics. If that means it's just you and your cat with Panera takeout for dinner, so be it.
Via GiphyDon't let Trump or anyone get between you and your broccoli cheddar soup. Half soup and salad should be a safe space. Today, it can be.
12. Celebrate victory wherever you can find it
There might be a reason or two today.
Anti-LGBTQ lawmaker defeated in Virginia, will be replaced by first transgender state representative https://t.co/Kl5lLYnDDZ pic.twitter.com/zW2lKsR8m5
— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) November 8, 2017
JUST IN: Andrea Jenkins becomes first transgender woman of color elected to public office in US https://t.co/FAL4jX6WWd pic.twitter.com/bBT1bcdhbz
— The Hill (@thehill) November 8, 2017
Ravi Bhalla has won the Hoboken mayoral election, becoming New Jersey's first Sikh mayor. https://t.co/8MwbhGjB6l
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) November 8, 2017
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