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In honor of the Super Bowl, an event during which America watches two teams play a sport and I eat nachos, I've decided to try to eat like the insane football legend Tom Brady for a week.
OK, it's his dietthat's insane. But if you want to play 15 seasons of football, I guess not consuming dairy, coffee, yogurt, nightshades, or iodized salt makes sense. I don't want to play 15 seasons of football, but my diet is trash, so it balances out.
Going into this I did not know Tom Brady's age, but I assumed he was like 45? In pictures, he looks 30, so I just did a quick Google and -- oh God, he's 40. Who let this happen? Is my man ageless?
SEE ALSO:Someone created a fanny pack with your Super Bowl viewing party in mindAnyway, in order to eat like Tom Brady, I wanted to really enter his world. I wanted to becomeTom Brady. So rather than take the easy way out and try out his book, TB 12 Method, I went for the gold and just did everything he does. Sort of.
Tom Brady doesn't have any caffeine or alcohol, so I went in ready for death. I also expected to come out looking like Gal Gadot, if Gal Gadot were Tom Brady.
This is my journey.
Day 1 (Monday)
Tom Brady springs out of bed every morning at 6 a.m. Though I gave it my best effort, I don't hate myself, so I crawl out of bed at seven.
Upon waking, Brady immediately drinks 20 ounces of water. I attempt this and mentally prepare for my unfortunately long subway ride to work. Tom Brady then has a smoothie, so I have a Naked smoothie which typically takes me a thousand years to drink, but I try my best so that I too may be the king of football one day.
Next, Tom Brady participates in an 8 a.m. "sweat session." If by sweat session he means wearing all of my winter garb on a crowded train that will inevitably have the heat turned up, then I do the same. After this he has a protein shake, and my 5'7"-works-out-2-times-a-week size stomach can simply not fit anything more in it, so instead I daydream of fried chicken. Close enough.
I have not had coffee today and it makes me sad. Sometimes I do not need to drink coffee, but I like to because it's cozy. Are you always sad, Tom Brady? Probably not because you have so many endorphins from working out.
This is me now.Credit: instagram/@TombradyFor lunch, Tom Brady typically eats lots of fish and vegetables. I don't like fish, so I prepare myself for a meal of a million brussel sprouts. Thank you, Dig Inn.
In between meals, Brady typically eats fruit and protein bars. Thank God. I can do that.
For dinner, Tom Brady has more vegetables, and his diet is seasonal, so he typically eats red meat in the winter. I eat some steak and vegetable soup and call it a day.
Day 2 (Tuesday)
I wake up at 7 a.m. again and drink another 20 ounces of water. I put ice in it and wonder if Tom Brady and his chef have any psychotic stances on ice too.
I have another Naked smoothie, all the while pondering its ability to make my bank account dwindle at an exponentially faster rate than usual.
The subway, ever faithful, provides me with another 8 a.m. sweat session.
For lunch, I get sushi because that counts as fish and now I am really playing ball in Brady's court. Did I use that saying properly? Perhaps not, but I'm on the road to being healthy, so I feel invincible.
Tonight, I do a barre workout and imagine Tom Brady doing a barre workout. Do you ever do barre workouts, Tom Brady? I feel like you don't, but I'm going to believe in my heart that you do because that gives me power over you and that's the only way I will win.
Day 3 (Wednesday)
I wake up at 6 a.m. I drink 20 ounces of water and then try to go back to sleep. I cannot go back to sleep because I have just had 20 ounces of water.
I am very sore after my Tuesday night barre workout, and as a result am having trouble walking normally. I think about the last time Tom Brady felt this sore. I decide it was probably when he was seven.
Before I leave I attempt a real sweat session by doing four pushups. For the average human, four pushups probably don't induce sweat, but my arms are like flags, billowing in the wind while attached to the flag pole that is my body.
Hello, everybody. It is I, Tom Brady.Credit: instagram/@tombradyI eat salad with my lunch, but am careful to avoid tomatoes because Tom Brady says tomatoes, like other "nightshade vegetables," are inflammatory. I am learning and I am living and I am breathing Brady.
At this point you might be wondering, as I, what other lifestyle tricks this evil man has up his sleeve. And my god, the list is endless. Like, no dessert. Maybe that one's obvious, but I haven't had dessert this whole week. Which is cruel given the fact that I have an unopened container of Trader Joe's dark chocolate peanut butter cups in my pantry. Shame on you, Tom Brady.
I am becoming more and more like Tom Brady every day.
Day 4 (Thursday)
I am more sore from Tuesday's barre workout. I think about the last time Tom Brady felt more sore on the second day. I decide it was probably when he was eight.
I think I hate Tom Brady because he doesn't just live a strict life ... he actually enjoys it. Who enjoys that?? Have a fried Oreo or something man!
Day 5 (Friday)
I wake up at 6 a.m. I drink the 20 ounces. Heck, I may have had 21. I tell myself "I am Tom Brady" out loud until my roommate texts me telling me to be quiet because she can hear me saying "I am Tom Brady" over and over again through the wall.
I do eight pushups this time, nay, nine. Were they the easy kind? Yes, but a wise football player named Tom Brady once said, probably, to someone, "you have to start somewhere."
I drink my overpriced Naked smoothie and I take my sorry subway ride. I rue the day I agreed to living like Tom Brady, a man who doesn't have to commute after filling himself with such an alarming amount of liquid.
By lunch, it's over, and I unleash myself from the constraints this New England quarterback has trapped me under. Suddenly, it's as if I'm sitting in front of a green screen that's displaying a waving American flag. Suddenly, it's as if "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is playing in the background. I'm free.
Images such as this are now traumatizing to look at.Credit: Instagram/@tombradyListen, Brady, it's over. I survived your test. I won the war. I veni-ed and vidi-ed and vici-ed. Do I feel better? Sorta. Do I believe this diet is completely impractical unless you're a bazillionaire football player with a personal chef? Definitely.
But did I have fun? Did I look at more pictures of Tom Brady and his family than I ever will for the rest of my life? Did I learn and develop a deeper appreciation on the marvelous American institution that is football? Yes, to the first two.
In all honesty, though, this did encourage me to eat a vegetable every once in a while, and eating healthily does make me feel less like a human dumpster in my day-to-day life. So, people, just eat good foods and exercise moderation -- and if you're up for it, drink one million ounces of liquid every morning like our ol' pal Tom Brady.
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