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Congratulations! You've survived 2020! Does the idea of this godforsaken year's end bring you little comfort because you know the horrors it wrought will outlast December? Yeah...us too.

Emotionally speaking, 2020 lasted approximately 12 months and 487 years.

Quarantine time distortion is a real thing. That's why we're willing to bet you will not believe many of the events we've compiled on this list actually took place in the year of our lord 2020. Time is a human construct that's lost all meaning forever, whether due to isolation or just the unending onslaught of world-ending news.

In all likelihood, you'll experience the memory of events from earlier in the year like they're from a bygone era, a time when humanity was more innocent and naive and less, you know, on the brink of total societal collapse and whatnot. Or maybe you were just bombarded by so many unfathomable news stories — or, let's be honest, too busy spiraling to pay attention — that you missed some or deleted others from memory to make room for...everything else that happened.

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As strange and unbelievable as some of these seem, they all did indeed occur in our current timeline. So get ready to dive headfirst into the wormhole, friends! Let's defy the laws of physics and logic together as we walk down a memory lane located in the bowels of hell :)

Your body might want to physically reject the fact that some of the following took place in the span of just 12 months. But as your soul fights to leave your body, just try not to think of what's to come in 2021...

1. Megxit happened

A year or so ago, we actually cared that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry were moving out of a British castle and into a McMansion somewhere else. Who even were we?

2. Actual Brexit happened too

As Americans trying to deal with our own dumpster fire of a country, it can be hard to keep track of the clusterfucks happening across the pond. But as recently as a year ago the UK thought it was a good idea to officially break up with the European Union. Then the pandemic hit. We're #allinthistogether though right, Boris?

3. Parasite won the Oscar for Best Film

Remember the collective joy we all felt when, against all odds, Parasitetook its rightful place as crowned King of Hollywood? Joy might sound like an alien concept to us now. But it was possible once. (For those who've forgotten: joi, noun, the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying, according to Dictionary.com).

Also, try to wrap your brain around the idea of all these celebrities sitting in an enclosed theater together while COVID-19 was already spreading across America. Protect Bong Joon-ho at all costs!

4. There were locust swarms in Africa

Ok, I know we all want to make biblical apocalypse jokes, but this is a serious, on-going problem.

5. Harvey Weinstein was sentenced to prison for sex crimes

It's hard to recall any justice being served in 2020. But folks, it indeed did occur in at least one case.

6. Michael Bloomberg ran for president

Honestly, file the entire Democratic primary under Things From Another Dimension. Bloomberg's campaign might go down in history as a mere blip on the radar, but at least the Moves Like Bloomberg video will be forever.

7. All the prophetic Netflix reality shows that aired

Love is Blindwas social distance dating before it was cool, The Circlerevealed how sanity deteriorates when social media is your connection to the outside world, and Too Hot to Handleunderstood the pain of needing to abstain from sex for the greater good. I don't know where Netflix keeps its crystal ball, but can they let us know if we make it to the season finale of 2020?

8. Vanessa Hudgens couldn't understand why people dying from COVID was bad

But she did apologize after. And to be fair, she was far from the only one who struggled to wrap her mind around the pandemic in those early days.

9. Australia faced devastating fires, then California joined them later

Australia was engulfed in unprecedented bushfires from September 2019 through March 2020. They caused untold damage and losses, though thankfully some rescued animals were released back into the wild. Then over the summer it was California's turn, with the largest wildfire season in the state's recorded history (according to official reports).

On the bright side, Australia was also a model for combatting the coronavirus, and now has one of the lowest infection rates in the world. On the less bright side, California continues to be one of the epicenters of the virus in America.

10. We started the year by making "lol WW3" memes, then...

After President Donald Trump ordered a U.S. drone strike on Iranian General Qasem Soleimani in January, we all decided to laugh through the pain of the potential for nuclear annihilation. We were sweet summer children, who did not know of the actual global threat that was to come.

11. Our impeached president was acquitted

We all knew it was coming. But the impeachment trial is nothing but a distant, faint memory now.

12. We were risking it all to watch Cats, Dolittle, and Sonic the Hedgehogin theaters

Catsactually released in December 2019, but that doesn't mean unmasked masses weren't packed together into theaters watching it and other cinematic classics like Robert Downey Jr.'s Dolittleat the beginning of the year. Whatever your film of choice was, I hope you can live with the knowledge that it was probably the last movie you watched in theaters in 2020 — at least without being a public health risk, that is.

13. We thought stockpiling on toilet paper would save us from the virus

Seriously, what did people think coronavirus did to your ass back in March to warrant this particular panic buying?

14. Then Tenetwas in theaters for, like, 47 months of the pandemic

And still no one saw it. But hey, now that it's streaming and not a public health risk, people seem to love it!

15. J-Lo and Shakira did a concert—I mean Super Bowl LIV happened

I couldn't tell you who competed over the football during The Big Game this year. But J-Lo and Shakira put on a halftime show performance for the ages. Unfortunately, this sporting event also birthed Baby Nut, and the Earth has been cursed ever since.

16. Jared Leto and Big Brother contestants found out about the pandemic weeks after everyone else did

Ah, to be a celebrity on a silent retreat as the whole world collapsed into apocalypse

17. Trump praised the coronavirus opinions of a doctor who believes there are demons in sperm

While far from his most memorable catastrophic take on COVID-19 (shout out to bleach), this one might've fallen through the cracks (if you were lucky).

18. We debated the status of New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo's nipples

I know we all want to forget the Horny for Cuomo Movement, but it's a dark chapter of 2020 we must reckon and live with so we do not repeat our historic mistakes again. Does Gov. Cumo have pierced nipples? I do not know and may Satan erase all traces of that question from my mind.

19. Kanye West not only ran for president, but was endorsed by Chance the Rapper and Elon Musk

Ye might've not made the deadlines to appear on most ballots, but don't worry. He'll be trying again in 2024. And after Trump, we should probably take that seriously instead of just laughing. God help us.

20. He also gifted Kim Kardashian a hologram of her deceased father

It's been a year full of dystopian nightmares. But a man forcing the dead-eyed hologram of his wife's late father to say that she married, "the most, most, most, most, most genius man in the whole world," might take the cake.

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21. We lost more titanic legends than we could keep track of

Grief can warp time as much as lockdown. That's the case for many still mourning the loss of NBA legend Kobe Bryant, blues icon Little Richard, civil rights revolutionaries John Lewis and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, iconic Black Pantheractor Chadwick Boseman, and beloved Jeopardyhost Alex Trebek.

22. Nobody remembered 420, and it wasn't because we were too high

Unable to puff puff pass, 420 was a sad state of affairs this year as stoners everywhere grappled with unknown risk factors of smoking during the pandemic. I mean, we didn't even notice that the whole month of April was technically 420. But now that the pandemic has messed with all our sense of reality, time, and memory even when sober, we can stop blaming it all on pot.

23. Murder hornets failed to do what was promised and didn't put us out of our misery

I don't quite understand who is to blame for this fiasco (though smarter people do), but this prank from the scientific community was NOT cool.

24. A Bolivian orchestra was trapped in a castle by wolves

Honestly, same.

25. Chris Evans doxxed his own dick

By accidentally leaking his own nude, Chris Evans gave us one of the only relatable celebrity moments of 2020. A king among men, he even used it as an opportunity to remind people to vote. (But, please, respect his privacy and don't go looking for it now.)

26. The internet stanned Kim Yo-jong, Kim Jong-un's sister

Yet again, the collective internet must atone for the sins it committed in 2020. So next time there's speculation that Kim Jong-un has died, let's not fan cam the next presumptive North Korean dictator, OK?

27. People honest-to-god believed in a baseless conspiracy theory about Wayfair sex trafficking children through cabinets

There were countless other, far more dangerous conspiracy theories that dominated 2020 (you know, like the alleged mass-orchestrated "plandemic” tied to 5G). But this is the one your brain might've deleted from its hard drive out of sheer self-preservation.

28. The multi-billion dollar Mulanlive-action remake premiered on Disney+

mulanCredit: disney

Disney really thought we'd all pay an extra $30 to stream it, on top of a Disney+ subscription — cause you know we've all just been so flush with cash to waste this year.

29. Ghislaine Maxwell was arrested

But don’t worry — she could still get pardoned by her bud President Trump, who said he "wished her well" when asked about the woman charged with running a sex-trafficking ring.

30. Trump claimed he was banning TikTok like seven different times, then just forgot about it

Imagine being so insecure you use your executive power to ban an app teens use to dunk on you, but then are so incompetent you can't even bother getting it done. In a year of historic Ls for Trump, this one's pretty up there.

31. Everything was cake, and we will never trust again

It was a nightmare. We can now only hope these crimes against humanity remain a distant memory.

32. Twitter got hacked — and (possibly) so did Donald Trump

Whoever was behind the major Twitter hack from back in July seemed mostly interested in absconding with as much Bitcoin as possible. But more recently, a cybersecurity researcher claimed to have hacked into President Donald Trump's account by simply trying out "maga2020!" and getting in. Both Twitter and the White House denied all claims he was hacked. But then after, Dutch prosecutors found further evidence that he was indeed hacked. And honestly, we wouldn't be surprised if he changed his password after to "st0pthesteal2020!" instead.

33. Carole Baskin was a contestant on Dancing With The Stars

We won't blame you for trying to block out the fact that lockdown brainworms made us all think Tiger Kingwas good. But kudos if you had Carole Baskin dancing Samba on national TV on your 2020 bingo card.

34. A whole bunch of famous people got COVID that you totally forgot about

We all remember when Nicest Guy in Hollywood Tom Hanks came down with the virus early on. But you probably don't remember a lot of the other famous people who did too, like: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Prince Charles, Andy Cohen, Pink, Doja Cat, Lena Dunham, Bryan Cranston, Antonio Banderas, Alyssa Milano, Kevin Hart, Brian Cox, Robert Pattinson, Tiffany Haddish, Jim Parsons, Kanye West, Boris Johnson, Rand Paul, Chris Cuomo, and Harvey Weinstein.

35. Trump bragged about passing a basic cognitive test

And the memes were so good.

36.Space Forcewas a show that happened (we are told)

Whatever world Netflix thought its super-hyped Steve Carell show was for, it was certainly not the one it entered into after the pandemic hit. If you missed it, though, they renewed it for a second season no one asked for while canceling a lot of other stuff people actually liked.

37. Sophie Turner announced her pregnancy

The Queen in the North is due to give us an heir in early 2021.

38. Quibi launched — then shut down only six months and $1.75 billion dollars later

Remember Quibi? No? Haha same.

39. Armed protesters mad about haircuts stormed Michigan's state capitol

If you ever hear someone reduce the Black Lives Matter protests of 2020 to "rioting" and "looting," remind them that less than a month prior to those mostly peaceful demonstrations, anti-lockdown protesters armed with automatic weapons stormed Michigan’s state capitol. And unlike the Black Lives Matter protesters, none of these armed gunmen were shot at, tear-gassed, imprisoned, or killed.

40. Macaulay Culkin turned 40?!?!?!

😱😱😱

41. The NFL, known "ally" to Black protesters, painted “END RACISM” on a field then called it a day

Racism, consider yourself solved 👍.

42. Trump teargassed peaceful protesters, journalists, priests, and bystanders for a photo op with a bible

Worth it! You both look great!Credit: BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP VIA GETTY IMAGES

Yup, this one definitely warranted sending in the troops on your own civilians exercising their constitutional rights.

43. Taco Bell canceled potatoes, the Quesarito, Loaded Grillers, and 7-layer burrito

We have declared them an enemy of the people for their crimes.

44. Ebola decided to come back at the worst possible fucking time

At the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, people pointed to the media "fear-mongering" around Ebola spreading In the U. S. as a reason why we shouldn't take this new virus seriously. Like a monkey's paw wish, a new Ebola outbreak was detected in the Congo in July — though it is thankfully now over (for now). Please, just no one give H1N1 any ideas in 2021.

45. Lori Loughlin went to prison

News of the Operation Varsity Blues college-admission scandal broke last year, but it was a gift that kept on giving in 2020. As Lori Loughlin served out her two-month prison sentence, her influencer daughter Olivia Jade broke her silence in an interview drowning in privilege, which was especially cringe in a year where we're finally trying to reckon with the racism of our criminal justice system.

46. Ivanka Trump ruined Goya beans

The soon-to-be-former First Daughter took to social media to promote Goya Beans, whose CEO is a big supporter of the Trump administration. As Mashable reporter Tim Marcin noted, "The photo, using Goya's own tagline, almost certainly violatedfederal ethics regulations."

47. She also told Americans who lost their jobs in the pandemic to just, like, try something else!

Her #TrySomethingNew ad campaign, in essence, put the blame for the 11.5 unemployment rate (at the time) on folks who just weren't being creative enough rather than, you know, her own father's total incompetence in addressing the pandemic. Now that she'll be out of a job along with daddy in January, though, we suggest she too simply #TrySomethingNew

48. Also, also — Ivanka's childhood friend said she blamed a fart on someone else

That tracks.

49. The entire supervillain arc of Space Karen (aka Elon Musk) during the pandemic

Elon Musk pulled more shit in 2020 than anyone can be bothered to remember. So let's run through a recap of some of Musk's greatest 2020 hits: naming his and Grimes' daughter after a plane or something, getting red pilled, predicting COVID-19 panic was overblown and cases would be down to zero by April, raging against stay-at-home orders to put his employees' health at risk, vowing to sell all his possessions, continuing to cast unfounded doubt on COVID testing, getting COVID despite calling it bogus, being mad at people for having pronouns in their bios, and blew up his rocket launch.

Hope things get better for you next year, bud! (Don't worry, he's actually even richer now than before the pandemic, so he'll be just fine despite fucking over so many people).

50. Steve Bannon was indicted for stealing Build the Wall donations ❤️️

I mean, just *chef's kiss*. We needed this one.

51. Chris d’Elia was accused of sexual harassment and Shia LaBeouf was accused of sexual battery and abuse by FKA Twigs

It was easy for big, important news to get lost in the shuffle of other big, important news. But for the sake of all survivors of sexual assault, harassment, and domestic violence, we can't let these voices go forgotten.

52. Tiffany Trump gave the single most awkward pride speech in history

You know the Trump campaign was seeing the writing on the wall when it got desperate enough to start sending Tiffany Trump out to win over queer voters.

53. Michael B. Jordon won People's Sexiest Man Alive

While certainly deserving of the title (especially considering recent past winners), forgive us for being too busy paying attention to who won a different election from around the same time.

54. Vin Diesel debuted a song to an audience of monolith-size slabs of iPad people

This whole video pretty much embodies the chaos energy of 2020.

55. Rudy Giuliani was caught in a compromising position with Borat's fictional underage daughter

There were so many moments in Rudy Giuliani's unbelievable streak of 2020 debasements: announcing Trump's coup at a landscaping company's parking lot next to a dildo store, melting at a different press conference, farting through testimonials for said coup. But, in case you forgot, he also got Borated.

56. Barack Obama published a 768-page memoir

I guess that answers the question of where the hell he's been over the past four years.

57. The Pentagon released UFO videos and no one cared

OK, to be fair, the Pentagon didn't actually call it a UFO, opting instead for the verbiage of "unidentified aerial phenomena." And UFO doesn't mean aliens. And the footage wasn't new, having leaked years prior. Butthe fact that the U.S. Government officially recognized a UFO is pretty! fucking! huge! news! It happened on the same day our president advised citizens drink bleach to cure coronavirus, though, so we don't blame you if you don't remember it.

58. Scientists also found evidence of possible microbial life on Mars and water on the Moon

Oh, also, some Israeli former security chief said there's a confederation of aliens waiting for us to get cool enough to join the club, and that Trump knows about them. 🤷

Let's be real, though: 2020 made all our brains smooth, proved that nothing is real, and we all live in a simulation anyway. 2021 here we come baby!

UPDATE: Dec. 21, 2020, 1:03 p.m. PST This article was republished on Dec. 21, 2020 with new information from July through December. It was originally published on July 4, 2020.

TopicsOscarsElon MuskCOVID-19

作者:焦點